What not to say or do to a person with a disability - Part 1

 In the last month, Hayden has returned to work in the part-time retail role that he was in before his accident.  His manager has been absolutely instrumental in holding his role open, and making it possible for Hayden to get back to work.  Partnering with Spinal Life Australia’s Return to Work advocate, Belinda, OTs and HR departments, his manager facilitated what is now the most accessible store for that brand.

It was no surprise how supportive he has been.  When Hayden had his accident, the staff were encouraged to visit Hayden in the hospital (on company time), and it was obvious when we went in-store for day trips that he was a much-missed and much-valued member of his work family.

We have loved watching Hayden’s excitement as he returned to his friends in-store.  After his first day, he couldn’t stop smiling.  Hayden loves working with people, and was keen to still be involved on the floor.  

Yesterday I picked him up from work to drop him at Uni.  I was a bit early, so headed into the store to browse.  I was able to see Hayden in action, interacting with customers.  I’ll admit, it was a real proud mum moment watching him work with such confidence.

As he was preparing to leave, he has to hand back his tech to his team mate, who was serving a customer.  I had been listening to this customer talk to the team mate for a couple of minutes, and thought she was one of those people who have to give every detail to the retail worker as they are being served.

Hayden was handing his tech back, and with his limited fine motor skills, he uses both hands to balance the equipment to hand it over.  

This woman looked at Hayden and said “You poor person, what did you do to yourself?”  I was absolutely speechless, and while I wanted to respond for him (with a healthy dose of mind your own fricken business attitude), I had to remind myself Hayden is a grown man of 21, and he doesn’t need his mum to speak for him.   He turned his chair around and as he drove off, just said, “I had an accident.”

We talked about it on the way to the car.  It was the second time a customer had asked why he was in his chair.  The first time was a regular customer who hadn’t seen Hayden since his accident and did not know until he saw him in store.  He said it felt different from someone who he had previously known.

Me, well I tossed out a few choice responses that I would have made, but Hayden was very aware that he was still at work and had to be professional.  In hindsight, I think the woman may have had some developmental deficits, and may not have realised how intrusive her question was, or rude it was to imply that he had “done something” to be disabled.

I was most upset at the term “poor person”.  I mean, how dare she assume that because this young fellow had a disability that he was a “poor person”.  How dare she imply that he is less than because he has a disability.  How dare she assume that his life is somehow lacking?  She doesn’t know how amazing this man has been through his recovery, how hard he has worked to get back to a normal life with his friends and family, how he is packing his life full of study and work, how he is funny and smart.

So my words of advice to anyone who is still reading - please don’t use the term “poor person” when describing someone with a disability, and more than anything else, please don’t presume that a person with a disability wants to share intimate details of their lives with a complete stranger in a public setting.